A Breath of Fresh Air


#10DBC, #freedomplan


September 17, 2016

Day 8: Choosing Your Adventure

My Mission, if I chose to accept it, was to go out, have some fun and do something I’ve been longing to do.

Well, there wasn’t much wiggle room with my time and energy to add to my already planned day. If I wasn’t a sleep deprived person I might’ve made it out prior to my scheduled art critique. Originally, if I had caught up on rest, I had hoped to get downtown earlier to see a specific art exhibit before it closes soon and/or walk through the doors of the new community-driven independent bookstore that’s been here about a year. No such luck. With writing this blog, being busy and needing a break, I found myself still juggling my sleep need to be a higher priority, pulling myself back from this edge to better care for my body, mind and soul. I’ve just been a real mess and need to take back control. Any really great sleep and rest itself feels like this incredible date of something I long for, believe me!

For me, discovering the existence of this recently formed group activity was a godsend. Art Critique Day is a major lifeline for me to receive feedback and not create in a vacuum. I’ve missed this activity so much more than I realized since college. The benefits I have received are priceless. There is a camaraderie of spirit that extends personally and professionally. The facilitator of the group is an exceptional individual with a huge heart and inspiring creative artist. So for me, I enjoy this process immensely. I have been a participant in this group for four months so far and it has been a phenomenal experience of growth helping me embrace my strengths and fulfill my niche interests. Today an artist friend I have not seen much of in a really long time was the guest artist leading the critique and I was super excited! It was a wonderful treat to see her again.

I did ask about a new art show next door on the campus as I have of a previous show. I didn’t realize the opening was on a night a few weeks ago when I did go down for another and spontaneously hung out at three other galleries I wasn’t aware of being open. One was closed in a beauty salon yet I was given a spontaneous showing by the artist herself. It was so much fun! I love that sort of  synchronicity. Our group leader offered to let us in to see the show in the mayor’s gallery since we finished early. This experience felt like total freedom! (See the photos of me during my crit and inside the art exhibit.)

Often I go alone to see a show and am able to appreciate the art at my pace, though I at times in those moments wish to share the experience with others I know. Occasionally there is dialogue about a piece with strangers. We didn’t have long and I wish we had more time. I was the last one racing out of there. I took some photos of me with a few art pieces by artists I know personally and one I am trying to meet soon in person who I know from Facebook. Social media has also been a lifesaver for me during a lengthy season of life where I could not be present and involved I could still be lingering in communication loops and aware of events and happenings local, regional, national and global. It’s a different view being more homebound and at a distance even so close to all the local activity. I’m a social butterfly so this has not been easy to deal with and maneuver.

Usually I am one to go to all sorts of art events and openings, however in the past several years I’ve been and am just drowning in my health and personal issues and my parents needs that this state of overwhelm was and is too much to bear alone and being social can be too much on top of it all. It’s sometimes hard to stay afloat and on top of it all that downtime in bed watching DVD’s is a guaranteed good time without any possible kerfluffles with others that misread or misinterpret who and where you are in life and heart. No matter where one goes, dealing with people is a must. For me, people whether they are friends, loved ones, colleagues or strangers I meet once are all treats I experience and do my utmost in those moments of interaction to be present with them as individuals. Maybe some chemistry is better between certain energies than others one thinks she ought to feel easier with though doesn’t is a sign to let it go and stay on the frequency to focus on those who share in good vibrations solely.

Empathy is key and not everyone attuned to giving it as much as they want to receive it. Reciprocity goes hand in hand with empathy. Whatever our life’s circumstances, throw a lifeline to others who are drowning no matter what. Maybe others can handle it all well. However, maybe some people need to stop and realize that perhaps there are dynamics and logistics involved that they are unaware of, couldn’t possibly understand due to a varying history and relational dynamics, yet from their perspective they categorize all that life overwhelm as one lump when there are many and choose to judge an individual without privately and truthfully getting to know that person and her state of affairs from her life station. Also, it seems to me others want empathy or attentiveness for whatever is on their mind, but don’t share what’s going on and in an attuned, mutual way. I have been and am guilty of this in various ways. I am not a mind reader. (Neither are you or any others unless it is your superpower). I can’t play guessing games. Let’s communicate more directly, clearly and one-on-one to get to know one another so we can offer appropriate, kind, helpful not hurtful loving support.

So it’s much simpler to stay put especially without a car and being a woman who feels extra vulnerable on buses at night when art openings tend to take place. Presently I am driving my dad’s car so I am more mobile and able to plan very focused outings for those resounding yeses in my life for where I truly wish to be and what I want in life. On one side I could say I missed so much, yet on the other hand I have gained new insights into who I honestly am and opened up possibilities I never would’ve continuing to run around all the time not wanting to miss out on things outside of myself that all that time in some ways I was missing out on me. Staying put for a length of time was something I had deep down longed for but didn’t feel was appropriate or possible. I continue to have mixed feelings about it though the pulls to help family has been in the mix and necessary, too.

The extra bonus seeing that aesthetics art show was a fun, spontaneous and unexpected thing that was a breath of fresh air. I felt so free! It felt as if I was inhaling ocean air with spectacular negative ions. It has been over nine years since I have been landlocked and seen an ocean, mainly the Pacific. Funny thing is my address includes pacific in the street. Lol. I’ve always gone to the ocean to think, wonder, sort things out and to feel the presence of a great mystery more readily available than anything else. Chasing sunsets and finding the highest ground for viewing on a daily basis was another thing I used to do. If I had a different car or situation not dependent on this car for urban use helping others dependent on me, I would ritually drive out to the local mountain areas to sit and view and join hiking groups. I will join in hikes once I feel better and stronger from my latest injury as the weather cools and I find meet ups that sound good for starting at the beginning again. Slow and steady.

How can I make this kind of fun and adventure a part of my (new) lifestyle?

I would not say this is a NEW lifestyle. Attending art shows, events and activities were a part of my life for so long. The one main element that assists me now is that transportation piece. I had tried without much luck to see if I could share this car previously and carpool sometimes downtown from my area as there are a ton of artists, writers and creatives nearby. So I am getting out and reintroducing myself and if the time comes I am without wheels again maybe carpools will be available or I will just get out in the daylight by bus, though it becomes more challenging in winter with less light and then in summer with such high heat. (The bus system, as far as I know, does not get one downtown quickly even though it is close and a short car ride).

Maybe I did not yet do this assignment properly? It was a bit of a surprise. To actually do what I long to do would take maybe more money, planning, physical strength, time, energy and I would prefer camaraderie. I tend to be out alone more than I wish and have longed to rectify this situation without simply landing into community spaces for connection and plan different types of adventurous outings with a circle of friends and extended personal circles.

Often I can be spontaneous although I also can require time to process things to sink in for my authentic response without being spoon fed what others expect of me. This links to my blog about going into the uncertain, the unexpected and living on my own terms, at my own pace, in my rhythm. This matters to me. Without others volunteering me for things they want from me. Sidestepping maneuvering, manipulation, political squabbles, cattiness, time wasters. Without care of others judgment. As long as I can look myself in the mirror, then I’m golden. If only saying yes when it is a resounding yes from deep within, even when I hear my lips shout out yes before my mind catches up, I am good. Expectations can create huge problems.

I just want to feel and be free. I want to feel aliveness. I want deep bonds with others and nature. I want to travel and experience cultures, a richness of people and places, and go to the edges of the world in natural remote wondrous wilds. I want to ponder the great mysteries of life, natural wonders and the universe in all its glory with the grandeur of questions even if left unanswered. And for all of this experience and adventure to reflect in my art, writing and creative expressions during, after and beyond my travels and research and merge into me at my core beingness so I can walk more lightly in life and on this earth.

Truthfully, I don’t know what adventure to choose for this assignment that would be true to catapult me into the life I desire that is within my current limits. The number one thing that pops into my head is that skydiving from the ground experience that is local but I can’t recall the actual name of it. And zip line. Again, there are one or two local like rides in the urban area, and I think one local in the mountains. I need money and to feel stronger in my body to feel I could handle it. Then there is the whole courage thing to actually DO something I think I want in terms of adventure, travel and life experiences to speak from and move forward within a new station of life touched by this profound life shifting view.

There are some local places I could visit that I’ve wanted to go to. If I go to local higher end galleries that would reflect my desire to travel to major museums and galleries of the world. We don’t really have major art museums here where I am now, not like I am used to in Los Angeles or San Francisco. Metropolitan areas feel like an amusement park of museums, galleries and a multitude of creative activity.

Aside from these things, what is it that I long to do that I can go out and do? A few months ago I finally signed up for unlimited monthly  yoga that mine and my parents needs have not allowed me to be regular with. I keep trying to get back with it and I torqued my pelvis and sacrum the last time in mid August so it’s been about a month going unused. This also happened last November and was partially resolved beginning in January. I was told to not exert myself and be careful with my low back but kept reinjurying myself catering to my dad’s needs and wishes hopping between rehab to rehab since his accident. I miss yoga and have no space in the home to do it well and it has felt awesome to go the bunch of times I have. I need more chiropractic adjustments as I am still in pain in my low back and causing additional discomforts internally I just don’t know what to do about it yet. Maybe this fits the assignment if it was the exact day I planned to sign up.

To choose a spontaneous adventure for the day is great if one has no plans and depends on where you are and other logistics. I guess it could be the smallest thing. That’s just it, I long to have fun, any kind of fun to enjoy. It feels as if it has been so long since I have experienced simple joys of life consistently within a natural flow that feels more effortless.  I feel things have been dumped on my lap I am now responsible for by default. Sometimes it just all feels so darn hard because I am caught up within these narrow worlds of my folks and how they are that the simplest things at times require a lot of energy and it can be all encompassing that to try is exhausting. It’s work to reach those spaces of joy and connection within these bounds and others sense of being that may not round the clock match my own. Does this make sense?

Basically, I’m just a girl who wants to have fun, though has lost herself in the craziness of life and looking to find her fun groove again! The things I think are fun are missing an intimate and personal meaning for me. Not that it has to be complicated or that I am making it more complicated, I just don’t know what to do! Last month there was a free concert I wanted to go to and gave last minute notice to see if I could round up a group. No one could make it on less than two days notice and a lot were tired and wanted to go home, which I totally get. I didn’t feel safe going alone downtown to this specific location by myself. I was upset for a short bit with myself, shed some tears in the car for things not aligning on the one night in ages I felt so free and ready to go out for fun and a little misadventure. If it were another location, even downtown, I likely would’ve gone alone, maybe met new people. It’s easier to meet others one on one in more intimate settings than a big open concert when even among the many one can feel totally alone. That’s a time you just want to hang out with your friends. And I’ve gone through what I call a social hiccup in my life too detailed to explain.

Maybe some sense of it has come through in my writings. If I can find a coffeehouse with poetry readings and acoustic music, that will be a reintegration of something missing in my life. I would love to go see a live theater show, a cirque show, anything. I could afford local community theater so I will look into that. Ding ding ding…I could create solo photo shoots and sometimes join in on the local group night and other shoots when that aligns. I have a ton of ideas. Even if I thought of this earlier I didn’t have much energy or time. I did turn the art exhibit into a mini photo shoot so that counts for something. I did venture out the other month to the closing of an art show and venue by myself near the concert area I was skittish about going alone as mentioned above. This was a different scenario with the venue, parking, event type and crowd. I was so snap happy inspired taking a ton of photos especially of this one paper shapes installation. I was allowed to stay after closing for about an hour to complete my tour and take my time. It was amazing! I get that way outdoors and turn it into a photography adventure. Or anywhere that captivates my attention and feeds my creative soul. This helps for reference or memory to inspire my art making and creative process.  At the critique I  asked the facilitator to take pictures of me during my crit. This documentation helped me to concretely witness my actions in motion and my growing visibility. Wow, sure is a deep growth process I am going through during Natalie’s 10 Day Freedom Plan Blog Challenge Day 8 !

There just isn’t the time, energy and resources to make things happen the way I want or think I want though maybe don’t really want which is getting confusing for me in this moment. Here I am again. Starting over from scratch in life, reinventing myself, with plenty of uncertainty I could build a ladder to the moon and I’d still have farther to climb. I seek a higher road and ground of synchronicities. To get back there where I have been I have to get through to the other side of this tunnel I am still in, seeking light through the darkness. It’s going to take some major action that is unclear to me now what to do. So I just keep moving.



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