(don’t know why blue block image won’t show will fix soon on laptop not functional from iPad though shows up on Facebook link go figure)
September 11, 2016
Day 2 of Freedom Plan Blog
Finding My Why
This post will be brief and quick even though I have been pondering on it today. My post tomorrow may be later at night. The actual dates I will post since WordPress is ahead by several hours. And I will update the previous day but I will label these by the day of the challenge. I may be able to get back to it and embellish and link later if I can use cellular form dad’s. His caregiver did not show up earlier and he is hungry. It’s all I can do say hang in there and try doing some things for yourself! It’s hard for him on one hand though he is capable to a certain degree and on the other he wants to be taken care of. This past week is the first since all June where I had some relief and support. I am also my mom’s sole caregiver. She is quite isolated and I had become a bit isolated, too. My dad does have practically a harem of various women coming and going such as therapists, nurse, counselor, a platonic friend and a few other friends though that has diminished. I feel the weight of the world. More on how this situation came to be and dynamics to a degree while maintaining the privacy of my folks and family as best as possible in order to share my story and point of view.
I do need to get going. I am on my neighbors wifi since ours is down and might see about sharing and contributing to hers if possible. Dad has no wifi which can be challenging if iPad won’t do cellular with data limits. More to my tech juggling and one issue after the next. I have made myself portable with regards to access so this does fit my overall lifestyle in past and present to be a girl on the fly!
As to my why and what gets me juiced and up in my days. For several years I have been digging and excavating to become clearer about what I call my core essence and renewed sense of purpose which has shifted from earlier years. I Yield to re dream the dream and expand my perspective. I can tell you that if one comes into her own in her 30’s, and lives more her truth in her 40’s and hopefully lives authentically through her 50’s and onward, I feel my answers have evolved naturally.
Ever since I could hold a crayon in my hand I drew pictures and wrote stories and poems. Pictures and words, words and pictures. It’s always been that for me. And still is. I am compelled to make art and write things. I tend to write lengthy novelist answers to others. This is how my mind and soul and heart operate. I never have understood the idea of retirement because I will always be working on creative projects. In my forties my hormones ran amock and my dreams and concepts were borderline creativity and madness! I have documented a multitude of ideas, some more detailed than others for art and writing projects that can overlap and include one another. I will never be bored or run out of ideas with this arsenal and the overactive imagination I am blessed with. Or at times, cursed with when the idea machine just won’t turn off and rest. Things are calmer these days although intense dreams can feel overwhelming especially when I am unable to journal in a timely way.
I would say imagination feeds my soul and is a giant why for me. Nature and ecology and the mysteries of the universe and spirit are another. I am a curious being. It’s in my nature. I guess I was kind of a tomboy as a small child wearing overalls and stuffing my pockets full of rocks my mom would discover at the end of the day. I would say the exploratory process, creativeTrusting my intuition in the past decade has also become a strong uniting force within me, a strength that has always been simmering under the surface that I have not always understood how to listen and harness this energy as I now am able with greater knowing. I know things will get better, it’s just the HOW!
I am excited to create, only I need a clearer space to produce. My home space is multiple layers of clutter since last fall due to my health issues. Then it just got so much worse since my dad’s accident at New Years it has been difficult to keep control. Since moving back home in September from staying at dad’s full time I am slowly taking back one small area at a time though this is slow going. I am exhausted and in dire need of sleep. I managed 12 hours of sleep yesterday, only 6 today. I am tired in my blood, bones, soul, mind, heart and more. I have never been so tired in my life with a lit of sleep deprivation over the past several months. I have been afraid for myself in doing simple tasks with concerns regarding driving. I had a small mishap the other week on my way back from Thursday Art a Preview night hitting an embankment and flattening both left side tires requiring a flatbed tow truck. That was a wake up call and that week I was in a lot of too close calls. Since then I am taking it easier and simplifying as best I can.
I need time, energy and space freedom away from being an overly stressed and solely depended on caregiver. I am working on creating a team of support. My dad is not the easiest patient or individual for me to deal with. Others, too, see this stubborn streak and his habit of procrastination can be problematic. He and I can get along well. We have finally experienced some healing and reconciliation in our relationship. It’s just time to let go and for me to be released, for him to be more independent and if not, what does that look like for him for us to get his needs met so I can maintain my own life and be there for my mom, too. No one person can be there 24/7 for any other person all the time. There are too many things someone needs done for themselves that by doing for another it backs up doing for yourself. Plus, for grooming, bathing and hygiene professionals take on certified training to better manage that family members guesstimate how to do. This can be challenging with the dead weight of another who isn’t balanced all that well on his feet. Each one of us requires a life of our own and to live more freely no matter the love we share and wish to give. One must be a friend to oneself first, something my dad always said to me. I need to on my oxygen mask first, breathe, destress and relax from his high anxiety and bring more calm to him, too.
Since I was very young I desired travel, yet I have not done all that much which surprises me due to various life occurrences too detailed for this post. Travel research with nature and cultural photography and experiences of place are inspiring for my art images. Any change of scene brings a rejuvenation to my views. I create my own opportunities and when I am in the flow of that energy things go well. When I allow others critical voices to override my soul voice things go awry. Tapping into the money flow for this energy to flow through me from and to others by what I creatively contribute is what I seek so I am able to be and live more a carefree lifestyle again.
Not that I don’t and won’t care about others, it’s just that in my life chapters there seems to be a lot of feelings of restriction which I have felt intensely in recent months with my dad in his house. I have felt confined, as my cat Stella has, almost sad to say imprisoned by this situation which I feel this very moment needing to scoot over to his side as he is depending on me. I won’t be home sleeping in my own bed tonight. I need to be home more to get back to my center, conquer this clutter, clean house, move on toward greater productivity and create beyond piecemeal making of art. How can I instill a discipline to my creative practice when I feel like a piece of playdoh being pulled and stretched beyond her limits? When I take care of others needs, I don’t take care of my own well enough. I’m not eating right. I gained some weight causing more problems with my already problematic musculoskeletal issues and with a new left knee concern from a bad fall due to stress outside dad’s house in May. Just things keep building. So many of my personal details falling away that need tending.
I am not sure if I answered my focus from day 1 well enough, or today’s finding my why? I do know I have taken more time and need to go. I will continue to ponder and integrate these ideas for upcoming posts to gain greater clarity for my own sake beyond simply this wonderful eye opening exercise. I had other things I planned on writing floating in my mind but I felt rushed to get this done. To tell you the truth, living between two households is challenging to hold one’s center when everything feels and looks in shambles. If I could feel grounded and centered again with improved life balance that would be amazing! Right now I’ll settle for throwing my tank tops, socks and under things in their designated drawers and will neaten them up late. I just need things in their place so I can feel less displaced. Sometimes I wonder if this feeling of displacement I have felt often in life along with adapting and being flexible to the uncertainty that seems a constant experience has prepared me to be less attached to one place or circumstance and remain open to changes that seem to becoming more extreme as time continues on. A nomadic lifestyle is appealing and on the other end I am drawn to homesteading living off-grid. Maybe a girl can live a dual life! I admit to feeling defeated at times , a rarity for me, and lately know I am unhappy. Shifting to a happiness spectrum is a definite marker of daily motivation and healthy habits that are a foundation to my why. Changes need to be made so I can break surface, lighten up my load and inhale fresh air.
10 Day Freedom Plan Blog Challenge by Natalie Sisson