Yawning & Yearning

[blog-challenge-12]

 

#10DBC, #freedomplan

Day 5: Daily Success Plan

You’ve GOT to be kidding! It’s late as usual. Middle of night past midnight and STILL haven’t done this blog post. Arghhhhh! Again I am griping here that I am exhausted. Well, I am. It’s not just that. To consider a success plan when I feel super tapped out and hitting bottom. Here I am seeking total time freedom for my life when I feel the exact opposite. I feel I am in prison regarding the situation with care for my dad. I know that sounds plain awful. I am resentful, angry and overwhelmed. He needs assisted living and wants me to organize, manage and help him any time round the clock. I moved in for three months even with an arrangement already with my mom in another location. She has not been receiving enough of my support. I do not have the energy to do basic tasks for my own well being, daily habits, hygiene. Forget my creative goals. I did last minute today create a rushed art piece to submit for an upcoming Day of the Dead show. A bit ridiculous because as much as I do honor my parents I sense the best thing now is to take a huge backseat to my dad’s needs and wishes to see if he can truly get some of his needs met with steady outside help from private paid caregivers. Of course I will pitch in, share quality time and continue support in various ways for most medical appointments, errands and shopping. I cannot continue in the capacity as things are. It is a vicious cycle and unrelenting. There has been plenty of time to plan this out. I don’t know if his mind is intact enough because as bright as he is there are a whole lot of lost moments and inability to take care of simple tasks himself. He cries all the time and I just want to breakdown. I had it tonight and left upset. I’m sure he’s upset, too. I have felt disappointed my life through by my father’s life choices and with this let down I am still willing to be present with him and someone he can lean on. I am a human being and not a robot, maid, servant, or wonder woman and I do have limits. My physical health has suffered and here I am again driving tonight tired on the road. I am always tired and getting headaches. I am all alone in this. It is an isolating and insular situation I need to escape from and find a rapid solution.

So, that said, I will lightly touch upon this exercise now. I see the day 6 in my email and I feel more behind and swallowed whole than ever. I want to add more to my perfect day, however it feels more like a fantasy than reality. A dream that is ideal and maybe I will get more real with it where I feel I am at and who and how I am now and where I want to be in the world. I am confusing myself aren’t I? I will hold that dream sacred and add on at a later time.

This daily success plan couldn’t come at a worse time. I have a headache and feel fuzzy minded. Touching upon briefly. My time and days aren’t my own right now. I sort of feel like a fraud even doing this. I need a moment. A bit emotional. I am not …maybe I won’t ever be able to find my way again. I am a resilient soul. Rarely have I felt defeated like I do now. I am drowning. Tears are running down my face. They taste salty. I don’t know if I ever will be happy again. It comes in bits when I feel like I can breathe and feel free among other artists where ever. I feel free when I am doing something totally for myself without having to take care of another. I feel free when I can relax and watch my library DVD’s. These days these moments are far apart and getting there can be extremely stressful and often I am too tired to fully enjoy what I worked so hard to get to and often hold back or fall asleep. I know I can’t go on like this, living a restrictive life, a life that is not my own. If anything, one’s life has got to be lived. A person should be the star of her own life and not just a supporting character in others’ lives. It can’t be right that another can live life on their terms all while draining your energy dry until nothing is left over but a shriveled, disheveled mess who didn’t brush her hair all day, hardly ate anything decent and wakes up wanting to go back to bed all day but cannot.

So no, I don’t know if I can write this exercise today to the extent I probably need. Just a few quick thoughts because this idea in this moment hurts my head. Usually I am totally game for this sort of thing and I know I signed up for it. I hoped and planned by September 1st I would be free. Alas, I am not. Yet….

What I Will Do

All I can think to start is with journaling by hand to sort my thoughts and feelings first before blogging to gain clarity and plan my days better and easier. This has helped me tremendously to not edit myself and spew out all the gunk to get through all the raw stuff into the juicy bits. This is all I can promise now. 3 pages does the trick and casts its magic so I can get to the heart of my day’s plan and write out what I am up to and the productivity I seek. This cleans house in my mind of cobwebs, dust and darkness that transforms into brighter ideas that are reachable and broken down into morsels.

I’m not sure if this is to include daily habits and ritual/routine?

I do have two projects to work toward completion. 1) Continue with drawing my whimsical paintings until I have enough for a solo show. As I go I can create works to submit to group shows. Locate an exhibition space and mark my calendar for an opening reception. 2) Go beyond first two finished short stories and write eleven more for a collection to self publish in print and on various online platforms. See about getting a few individual stories published in a print or online magazine. Create a book tour for public readings.

When I Will Do It

I will journal whatever time I wake up to start my day. And if that can’t happen, I will grab the first time available or write during  in between moments to get all I can out. Or journal before blog to set mind on task of time freedom.

I can’t commit to how my time will shape up. I need to think on this. If haven’t eaten do so or make a quick high protein breakfast smoothie.

Ideally I would continue writing and researching my background info for these short stories immediately after journaling for 2-3 hours or 5-6 twenty-five minute sessions as mentioned in day 5 video for higher concentrated focus and productivity. I am excited to try this out since I am surrounded by disruptions that drive me crazy no matter how much I ask for uninterrupted time to focus. My sense of focus feels shot theses days.

Break for snack or solid lunch.

Gather art materials and tools for image work. Continue with current drawing style on paper to warm up, then transfer to canvas. Do this for 3-5 hours or 6-8 twenty-five minute sessions. If I feel like doing art one day for 8 hours then switch it up. Same goes if I feel more into writing all day to stay focused on getting through a short story chapter and stick with it.

Break for supper. Choose to continue on with project into night or stop until next day. Weekends can skip for break or work on if choose.

Upon reflection this time allotment does not match my current schedule. Realistically I could journal thirty minutes to an hour then two to three maybe four hours a day on a creative project using the pomodoro method. Until things change, afternoons are filled with a multitude of medical appointments. Maybe I won’t have to be there as much for others and someone else can attend, however I have a lot to deal with for myself and I must use my health insurance in case things are different with the political climate. I have postponed a bunch of stuff I need to care of for me and now it’s crunch time. Another reason I must now back off from dad situation that is all-consuming and so stressful in that I need to destress for medical procedures. I believe a state of calm is necessary for ultimate success under sedation for both invasive and painful procedures. I am on the cusp of cutting this pattern out with my dad since he wants independent living I want him to do more for himself or else it’s a reality check for him to accept a new life chapter and move into assisted living somehow. I know he doesn’t want that and I don’t blame him. He doesn’t like any of my solutions like moving into an apartment in my complex to make it easier for me all around. I don’t know what else to do. So it may be slower going though if I am steady and consistent I can still meet my goals set without pushing so hard.

How this will get me closer to my dreams

Writing through my roadblocks to clear my path and keep my dreams alive will create inner peace and a refreshed outlook so that I can breathe and move forward one gentle step at a time toward milestones I set for myself. Journaling feeds my creative fire and is self motivating. Often writing in journal evolves from lucid dream recall and other imaginal things I whip up that I can continue writing or turn to drawing or both. Also, there are concepts to archive in project books as my idea library. I need to select what to focus on, what I am up to working onto completion. This process assists in finding my focus.

Completing an art series for a solo show and pieces entered into group shows might sell and generate income. Exposure might lead to new patrons and additional art opportunities. These images will launch my brand of imagery to  be licensed and published. This will prompt me to archive and display on my own website.Online print-on-demand and merchandise sites will also be potential moneymakers and introduce me to a global market. Digital fabric might be a good match for some of my artwork. I can evolve this drawing style into a how-to book, online course and retreat offering to give me opportunity to see the world and travel.

Completing an inventive short story collection can generate passive income with online platforms, such as Kindle, Ingramspark, Nook, Apple, Amazon/CreateSpace, and others. I can self publish on LuLu and/or other sites. I can submit for magazine publication of a few short stories. I might be sought out by a publishing house or magazine for future gigs and projects. I can gain a following/fan base. I can launch a podcast and book tour for public readings and special events to see the nation and world. Practicing the art of the short story will lay the foundation to conquer chapters for a full work of fiction in a genre of my choosing.

That’s it for now. Guess I need to get through writing about my frustration and feeling additionally overwhelmed by these exercises to get to the nitty gritty of real plan making and a raw constructive mindset to move forward.

Happy Creating,

ShaRose

This blog post is in response to Natalie’s 10 Day Freedom Plan Blog Challenge Day 5

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